humor, love, parenthood

Five Things I Accomplish Before 8am. Pre-and-post parenting.

Love Insh’Allah tweeted an article about five things super successful people do before 8am. Looking through all these things, I thought to myself, what do I accomplish before 8am? After making this list, quite a lot it seems [though quite a lot is in the eye of the beholder]:

  1. Attempt to brush teeth.
  2. While remaining as still as possible for the baby who is attempting a daring rock climbing expedition. On a pair of pajamas. 
  3. Convince the toddler kiddo* to brush his teeth with the toothpaste and not eat said toothpaste like it is a Viennese delicacy**. 
  4. Head downstairs and sweep the kitchen floor.
  5. Sweep it again after the kiddo drops cheerios and the baby nose dives for it like it’s the last remaining kernel of food on earth.
  6. Sweep once more when raw macaroni for the macaroni-lion the kiddo created scatters to the floor. 
  7. Watch, with your duster full of macaroni bits, as the baby ferrets out a fleck-sized play dough stuck to the side of the toy-kitchen across the room and stuffs it in his mouth faster than you can blink.
  8. Give respect. Not desirable, but the determination? Admirable. 
  9. Despite the fact that you are currently an inactive member of the bar, and most certainly were never a judge, mediate and arbitrate over who is the rightful owner of that yellow car, the monkey-shaped rattle, the plastic airplane [ insert every object within the space of the home]. 
  10. Proceed to closing statements as you explain to a jury of your peers nine-month-old that while you appreciate the fact that he believes he can handle it, the chai simmering on the stove is not and will not be consumed him.
  11. Oh, yes. Make chai.
  12. One cup per age of child. Round up for the babes under one.
  13. Sip, smile, nod, and pretend that you did not wake up three times during the night by screams that the sky was falling if a hug was not administered posthaste and then for the day by a kiddo attempting to replicate on your bed the earthquake tremors he saw on Curious George the day before.
  14. Get clobbered by kisses from aforementioned kiddo who wants a cuddle while the baby yawns readying for his nap. And even though you know the cuddle is most likely a negotiation tactic for a forthcoming request for icecream/chocolate/candy/lollipop, savor that hug which in that moment makes you feel that while your greatest task that you accomplished before 8am might have been serving as a rock climbing wall for a toothless baby, my did you climb some mountains to get here with no promises to actually reach this promised land. And while you might not be exercising, and visualizing exactly like the article suggested the truly successful people do, my do you feel successful to have these little arms around your neck, a head resting on your shoulder. In that moment, you’re not sure if you could ever be more successful than this.

Five Things I did before 8am pre-parenting: Sleep.
* Just realized that any child that can outpace me on his balance bike and do flips rivaling a circus acrobat is not exactly toddling anymore, and thus most definitely, not a toddler. Ouch.

**Have tried the non-kid-friendly-flavored toothpaste to avoid aforementioned attempts to consume toothpaste, but then have to corral the child to stand on his stool with about as much ease as one might wrangle a den full of koala bears. This would be what one would call the classic catch 22. 

7 thoughts on “Five Things I Accomplish Before 8am. Pre-and-post parenting.”

  1. Give respect. *snort* I guffawed over that one even before I actually clicked to the page & saw the very appropriate gif.

    We have the same toothpaste conundrum over here–we use a kiddo-friendly (ie: Henry likes to suck on his toothbrush til it's gone) toothpaste at nighttime, and an older-kid (like ages 2-6–and WHEN did toothpaste get all age-specific?) eensy-weensy schmear on his toothbrush in the mornings. He's very proud to be trusted to spit it all out (even if all that spit doesn't always land exactly, precisely IN the sink.)

    And yeah. People who get all this stuff done by 8am? How? I've usually been awake WAY too long at 8am for all the stuff I HAVEN'T done!


  2. You have over-achieved me. I can get her to brush her teeth, but no one on earth can convince her to put toothpaste in her mouth. It's bizarre.
    And, she ate a goldfish that fell out of the car onto the driveway. TWO DAYS AGO.


  3. Susan, Stacey, so not just us on the toothbrush fight huh? I guess it will get better when they get older but for now its the one thing me and the spouse are always trying to get the other to do with him, lol.


  4. I sort of win the toothbrush fight by having TWO toothbrushes, an electric one for the eldest and a manual one for the youngest, who snatches everything the eldest happens to hold. The electric one gets the paste sucked out of it just like the manual one, but mummy or daddy gives the last (as in the proper) run to make the teeth shine (or clean, whatever) and it has been so since the beginning so nobody contests this proper order of doing this particular activity. Spitting is hit and (not or) miss. Gurgle is even funnier.
    Before 8 o'clock I am woken up by the baby and have to wake the child up (yes, so not a toddler anymore). I change one nappy and make sure the eldest goes on the toilet (as in not anywhere else he may fancy – he has such strange ideas lately). Finish in the bathroom, brush teeth, hair, dress two children, go downstairs and have breakfast, clean that up, go put on jackets, hats, gloves, jackets that have been discarded, recover hats and put back on, go to the car, go back to get the phone, and once more to get my bag/some item needed in the kindergarten/nursery, drop off husband to take the metro to work, and barley make it to the kindergarten. I am there by 8- 8.10 usually. Give or take 10 minutes, depending on stars alignment. I know no better exercise that herding children/cats to go somewhere. It is good for muscles, lungs, honing patience, and prioritising skills. 🙂


  5. oh boy. i've been meaning to wake up early (despite the lack of sleep with middle of night awakenings) and get things done for awhile now.. your post makes me oh so ashamed. (my MIL too, but hey..)

    ok, kicking myself in the backside. gotta try harder..


  6. Mina- wow so you have me beat by a mile with ACTUAL productive tasks before 8am, lol. Kudos. All kid related but still, impressive!

    MD, what about my post made you feel bad?!?! I hope not the article I linked to. My post about my daily habits really boil down to: before 8am, I wake up, brush my teeth, broom, and make tea. And that's it. LOL. Hardly impressive 🙂 Please don't feel ashamed, some days I barely even get THAT done!


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