Yesterday you turned nine months old. Its amazing to see you go from the tiny baby who hardly noticed the cupcakes in our monthly photo shoot to the now squealing, lunging little boy who requires a two-man team to prop a simple cupcake with which we mark the passage of your months. Still, while nostalgia is inevitable, I’m doing my best not to look too far backwards, and not crane my neck to look too far ahead because then I just might miss all this, and there is so much going on right here, right now.
We got snowed in this month for five days. Just the three of us with no place to go, nothing else to do, but spend time with each other. You Abu scooped you up each morning as soon as you awoke, playing, wrestling, reading with you and letting me get a few precious extra moments of rest. Looking back those days feels magical.
You also got your own room this month. It was a decision fraught with tears [all mine] but as it turns out you love your own room. So much so that in the early morning hours when I would bring you to bed to co-sleep with us, you protest, requesting some space of your own in your crib. I’m glad you’re happy- but I miss watching you sleep tucked next to me.
Still, I give you your space, so I’m not sure why you picked up the phone this month and called 911 which led to an awkward conversation with an understanding dispatcher who I needed to convince that I was truly in no danger and that all was well, really. Needless to say we’ll have to find a different household appliance for you to play with.
Your Nana is going on a trip to Pakistan later this month to see his mother. Its not the safest place to visit so I worry. I called him to tell him just this. To which he responded what if it was you waiting on the other end of the world for Waleed to come see you. To which, after wiping the tears from my eyes, I thought a) well played Nana and b) Waleed? You will not move to the other side of the world- EVER- are we clear?
Its hard to imagine this though. Hard to imagine a day that you will be all grown up and not permanently affixed on my hip, or clutching my legs. I always knew how much I would love you but there are no words for how it feels to be loved by you. Sincerity is a rare commodity in this world, more precious than gold, but you? You are sincerity personified. Which is why when your eyes light up when I enter the room, when you squeal and scurry towards me planting slobbery kisses all over my face- you love me without manipulation and complications, simply with every ounce of your being- and it never ceases to blow me away.
I’ve had my heart broken a few times in the past few years, and it was through the pain that I learned that a broken heart aches in a physical place within you. Now, my heart is so full its bursting at the seams unable to be contained. It took having you, for me to realize that this aching is from the deepest part within me- until you came around I did not know a soul is an actual tangible thing with a physical location within, but now? I feel it everytime I look at you.