baby sleep, motherhood, parenting


Four o’clock in the morning. Every night for the past three nights. Screaming. Thrashing. Inconsolable. I rock, I sing, I nurse, until peace returns. Its been okay because he’s been so good during the days. Cooing, laughing, crawling without complaint. This ebb and flow of his moods between night and day help me steady the fort for the difficult night to come. Until today. Today it flooded. He cried all night. He cried all day. I feel threadbare.

It’s not the cries themselves. It’s not the eyes wet with tears, his tomato-red face, his mouth wide-open crying with everything he is. Its the way he looks at me. The way he gasps between tears once he knows I am there and flings himself into me regardless of who is holding him. He doesn’t want me, he needs me. And his need is raw. No thank you. No sorry to disturb. He believes my comforting arms are his birthright. He is right.

Its this need that leaves me threadbare. No one has ever needed me this way. And when I hold him I know he thinks I will make it all okay. And I can’t because I don’t know what’s wrong so K and I take turns, soothing and rocking, tyelenoling and zantacing and wishing for a magic cure. I’ll be going to the pediatrician tomorrow. She suspects an ear infection. We wonder, teething? He chews on everything breaking apples in half with his jaw, and drools through outfits, but this is nothing new- has been going on for months.

I remember when I first got married. K’s mother asked him the day after our wedding you happy? I found the question odd but I get it now. There is nothing- and I mean nothing more I want than to see him happy and the intensity of his baby-needs scrapes my soul raw. I am threadbare. but thankful.

30 thoughts on “Threadbare”

  1. Aww, sounds like maybe an ear infection or teething (like you said, lol).

    Viktor has been having sleeping issues as well. He has been sleeping through the night since he was 3 weeks old and now he is getting up 3 times a night wanting to eat but will only eat 2-3 ounces at a time. I think his teeth are bugging him. Sometimes I have to get up and rock him too. And now he is refusing to eat his baby food. He won't eat any of it.


  2. I adore the sincerity with which you write. Just makes it all so real and so worth it.
    W: Cheer up baby! (your self proclaimed khala :))
    All the best, always.


  3. Thank you so much you guys- it was nice to log in and see your warm words of encouragement! 🙂 No ear infection (though it took three people to hold this kid down to check- he does NOT like people touching his ears or nose). Doc thinks its a slight cold + teething = cranky baby. I will have SUCH FUN on my flight tomorrow! lol Thanks again for your comments- they felt like virtual hugs (as always)


  4. Darn blogspot, it did not publish my comment y-day.
    I hope this is just a phase that goes away soon. Or the mildest of colds.
    And I understand you perfectly, both feelings of threadbare and content. They may seem contradictory, but they are certainly not.


  5. The doctor cleared it as not an ear infection- but last night he was up all night again crying and fidgeting. I am not so thoughtful or insightful on the matter now after 48 hours of sleeplessness and a flight solo with him to a place that I will be w/out K or my mom. SIGH.


  6. No words of wisdom…just right here with you. We should really get together and commiserate some time, preferably over some caffiene. 😉 Up all night, every hour last night. Two top teeth peeking out now, and hoping this teething madness will be over soon (until the next pair start their trip down!).


  7. Hope the sleepless nights don't last too long!

    PS. I've just discovered you via IComLeavWe and I love your writing! It's all so beautiful, even the simplest entries, and you definitely have a new follower.


  8. I totally understand where you are coming from on the 'need' and how draining that is. I love my daughter to pieces (she is 21 months), but she is also exhausting.

    This post is beautifully written.

    Hang in there- it does get easier as they get older. I mean, not parenting, I doubt that ever gets easier- but this particular part of parenting does get better.

    ICLW #28


  9. I hope things got better and that he isn't so fussy anymore. I have been there …. totally 100% and feel your pain… and just the fact that you are thankful to have the opportunity to have them screaming and fussy is a big thing.

    Happy ICLW from #37 and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!


  10. Here from ICLW 🙂 Wow – really touching post. I hope your son's issue gets resolved and you can all breathe a little easier. I think that perhaps one of the coolest things about babies is how quickly they change. Just when we think there is a pattern or routine they're sticking to, they go ahead and change. Best wishes to you and your family.


  11. I agree, just so beautifully written. I hope you found the answers needed to calm that sweet boy. Your strength and love shines through in this post. Wishing you a great weekend full of love and joy from ICLW #110!


  12. Your recognition of Waleed's need, for you, brought me right back to when my children called me Mama and didn't want anyone else but me. It was fulfilling and draining at the same time. Now they are older, and sometimes would prefer to nurse their pain themselves, whether physical or emotional, I think about how they once turned to me and feel sad for those days that are gone. It's a double-edged sword; you want them to grow up and spread their wings, be self-sufficient and strong, but you want to still mother them and have them retain that trust they once had that you could make it all better. It's such a brief time; savour it.

    Meanwhile, I hope that he is feeling better and you are feeling less torn apart.

    Lisa (ICLW – Your Great Life)


  13. So sorry he's (and you) having such a tough time! I hope things are some better now. It can't be easy for either of you – him feeling poorly and you being unable to “fix it” or rest yourself. Thinking of you!

    ICLW #92


  14. Here from ICLW, this is a beautiful post. My daughter had acid reflux and we had some really rough nights. I remember feeling this way. I hope your son starts feeling better soon…


  15. I wish I knew what was up with him… I can't imagine how it must tear at your heart and your mind. The kind of fatigue you are experiencing has a way of really grinding you down. Please ask for help so you can get some rest.


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