There are wives who wake up one morning, the closet empty, the suitcase gone because he’s gone without a trace.
There are children who awake to a father alone in a darkened room. His head in his hands. The car, and half the bank account, gone without a trace.
This isn’t that. But- without a trace, I too lost someone I cared for. But unlike family, this was not one who had obligation to me. It was a relationship borne and bred of choice and the meeting of minds which retained free will.
Its a strange anti-gravity feeling to watch what you thought would last the course of a lifetime mysteriously and inexplicably ripped away. And the rip leaves a tear, and the tear leaves a scar, and the scar hurts. It just does.
You see, I reached that level of trust in those “trust games”. You know, the one where you elevate, close your eyes and with arms folded fall backwards into the arms of those below, those who promise to catch you as you free fall down. I have a really hard time doing that. I know that those who promise to catch can just as easily fold their arms and watch as I free fall to the concrete floor.
Despite this knowledge, this time I decided to float and thus crashed upon the concrete floor. But can you really fault those with no obligation to you? Who stood arms outstretched by choice and nothing more binding than that? Because the choice to stand with arms outstretched was inextricably woven with the choice to walk away. So really who do you fault? The one who had simply a choice, or you, upon whom the obligation lay to protect yourself and to carry trampolines, just incase?
I’m not sure why a face once warm is now cold and blank as though the face of a stranger. I suppose better now than later when the pain I feel now would only hurt tenfold ten years later. I can’t lie, it does hurt. Because I loved this person, like family, in an obligation sort of way. I forgot that it never was that. That it was always a choice. And now a choice has been made and though this choice is not mine, I must accept it. I know that though it hurts like hell, I know I will heal, and I know I will remember to always carry trampolines to catch my foolish falls.